A neuroscience-backed exploration of why social connection is our brain’s default mode — from pain and pleasure to mindreading, mirroring, and the deep need to belong.
“We intuitively believe social and physical pain are radically different kinds of experiences, yet the way our brains treat them suggests that they are more similar than we imagine.”
Pain and pleasure control us in everything we say, think, or do. But why do we feel pain when we are left out?
Does pain encourage us to stop feeling left out and start connecting?
Well, yes it does.
In fact, our brains are designed to be influenced by everything around us. We are designed to learn our beliefs and values from the outside world, so that we feel normal and part of the group.
In fact, our default brain patterns when we don’t NEED TO think about anything is to think about “people, oneself, and the relation of oneself to other people.” This is called “social cognition” (thinking socially).
Stopped thinking about math? No more project or work-related thoughts? You go right back to thinking socially. That’s our default brain mode. It’s like a reflex. Our brain prefers it.
Basic Motivations
Keep in mind, our basic motivations are very simple, and evolved from reptiles a long time ago. The motivations are the 4 F’s: fighting, fleeing, feeding, and fooling around.
But at the top level, your brain (specifically the “prefrontal cortex”) is a learning computer. You can load up almost any software program or app you want. You can basically learn almost any skill you want. You can be as capable, able, or smart as you want to be.
But evolutionarily speaking, “the smartest among us are actually those with the best social skills.”
More importantly, humans are not ALL innovators or revolutionaries. Instead, a small few find a problem and ultimately create a solution by copying or from following instructions. For example, a tax app that lets you do your taxes at home — only a few people solved the problem, but it solves a problem for ALL of us.
The Social Brain
As a side note, a fellow named Dunbar said that you and I can only really maintain 150 relationships effectively before it really starts to get overwhelming.
But the reason we have large brains? To be able to manage 150 relationships.
After all, we start building these relationships immediately upon entering the world. While traditional sociology says that our basic needs are food, water, and shelter, this is not the case for infants. Instead, “being socially connected” is most important, because without social support, the infant or child dies before becoming an adult who can provide for themselves.
More interestingly, baby monkeys would cling to other things that “felt” like real monkeys, rather than mechanical objects that actually “provided” food. We crave something that feels like social connection.
Pain, Pleasure, and Fairness
It hurts, after all, to feel left out. It’s actually painful. But just like real pain, you can take Tylenol for this emotional pain. Tylenol and painkillers will make you less sensitive to emotional pain.
On the other hand, being treated fairly turns on our reward “feelings” or mechanisms. In fact, the same area that likes being treated fairly also likes the taste of chocolate. So “fairness tastes like chocolate.”
And validation is “central to our well-being.” Strangers who we don’t even know, or care to interact with, will activate our reward centres if they tell us they like us.
Yet, when they compliment you and you say thank you? Well, that lets you feel good also. After all, “generosity and altruism are just our way of being selfish” to help us feel better. We like to be selfish, and being selfish actually involves giving more than receiving.
Mindreading and Mirroring
Unfortunately, this is how people interpret the world. They use drama and other imagery to explain things around them. We project our ambitions, goals, experiences, values, and other traits onto the world around us.
Evolutionarily speaking, our brain decided to project social traits onto the world around us, and turn off non-social thinking. This is called “mentalizing.”
It’s the mirroring system of the brain that “allows us to experience the world as social, and full of psychologically infused behaviours of others.” Unlike primates who live in the world of “what” others are doing, we humans live in the world of “why,” which gives many interpretations.
We need to be able to mirror expressions of others to understand their emotions. Yet, it’s interesting to know that Botox can paralyse the face, and thus worsen our recognition of others’ emotions. Meanwhile, people who read fiction have a better ability to get into the emotion with the fictional book.
Identity and Self-Discovery
In the West we would call this “conforming,” but in the East this same idea is called “harmonizing,” which allows us all to live peacefully together.
We have more time for self-discovery compared to our ancestors, and thus finding our identity becomes more natural. Our ancestors spent their lives either being taken care of, or taking care of others, from birth till death.
But in the path to discovery, we must understand that we may BELIEVE the world has the same beliefs as us, but the world actually doesn’t.
Being able to put our beliefs, ideas, and feelings into words in a journal can actually help regulate our pain, emotions, and promote mental and physical well-being.
It’s important to know what kind of music you like, what social events make you uncomfortable, and what kind of work makes you fulfilled. Having a “theory of your mind” is essential.
Final Thoughts
If you want to understand the social world around you, I HIGHLY recommend reading this book. There are a few times when I glazed over the neuroscience sections (i.e., right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex), otherwise it’s a solid book for the inquisitive mind.
Recommended if you like psychology, sociology, a bit of anthropology, and social dynamics. A+++
Originally reviewed April 30, 2015
